Conquering Feelings of Loneliness
Written by Isabella Kumpf
Edited by Nkech Nwokolo
Feeling lonely?
Loneliness can come in many forms.
It can be the result of a more isolated lifestyle, with few deep connections. It could come from a lack of intimacy within a relationship, friendship group, or simply a longing for a romantic partner. It can be caused by displacement. Sometimes, the feeling is just a gentle presence throughout the day. At other times it can feel a lot to take in, creeping in at night especially.
Here are a few suggestions for getting out of this state of mind:
Journaling
You're not sure where your loneliness comes from and it's more of a vague feeling? Writing is a great tool that helps you to gain clarity and sort through the chaos in your thoughts.
Write down what's on your mind, what you miss, what you want, what's painful for you and what makes you feel a certain way. Be honest with yourself; it's not for anyone else to read. That’s the best part! If you don't know where to start, write about your day, what you did when you woke up and how it made you feel. Retell yourself how you spent your time on paper, without worrying about form or style. Writing like this tends to also remind ourselves exactly who we are, and that is beautiful.
It's always worth trying to end the paragraph with a few things you're grateful for. Looking at what you have and how much your life means to you can help to lift that feeling of despair
You are not alone in feeling this way!
Be aware that this may be an isolating feeling, but you share it with your neighbours, people you meet in your daily social environment, in the supermarket or on public transport, people you see on television and everyone else on this planet. Try to actively remind yourself of this. Literature, modern and hundreds of years old, is full of it!
“Now I know what loneliness is, I think. Momentary loneliness, anyway. It comes from a vague core of the self — like a disease of the blood, dispersed throughout the body so that one cannot locate the matrix, the spot of contagion.”
- Sylvia Plath (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, originally published in 1982)
“Worst of all, I am ashamed of being alone. Or is it my loneliness that I am ashamed of? I have closed the shutters so that no one can see. Me. Alone.”
- Lorraine Hansberry (A Raisin in the Sun, a Theatre play first performed in 1959)
Feel seen?
Maybe you already have an idea of what's behind that feeling, like the desire to be with someone or to have a relationship? There's a good chance you'll meet like-minded people by looking for a community that shares your values. Sounds too broad? Start small and see how it goes: Start by looking into what's on offer in your area. You can start by choosing an online platform where you want to express yourself. If you use social media the right way, it can help you find activities you haven't heard of before. Often the local newspaper will share a broad range of activities. What are your favourite things to do? Many people are usually found in sports or the arts.
Creation - A New You, within the Old
This leads to the act of creation itself. We all have creative potential inside us! It just needs a little nurturing to come out. The great thing about being creative is that it allows us to find solutions in ways that we might not have thought of before. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, it can be as simple as redecorating your home for the season or trying out a new nail polish colour! Or why not try something new? You could paint, knit, make music or try a new makeup style. Not feeling particularly talented? Why not try your hand at a new recipe from scratch?
Another good way to sort your thoughts and feelings is to get outside, if possible for a walk. Walking is one of the best ways to lift your spirits and has great general health benefits. It improves balance, reduces the risk of heart disease and promotes new connections between brain cells that can help with decision-making.
Do you need a destination to get you started on your walk? Why not treat yourself to some freshly baked bread from the bakery at the end of the street, or perhaps enjoy an ice cream at a place you've never been to before? There's bound to be a store nearby with a new notebook for your thoughts. If you want to relax, find a bench near the street where people are going about their business. It's a great way to unwind and observe the world around you. Take a look around you and choose some flowers for a small flower arrangement.
Photography by Caz Perry
For more on this, check out Caz Perry’s November Walk on our Art Gallery page. Caz takes a daily morning walk and photographs beautiful, every day aspects about her environment that she loves, which put a smile on her face. You can do the same! And share them with a friend, to put a smile on their face too.
If you can, make it part of your daily life. Some people find a structured daily routine helpful.
And finally, one of my favourites: cry-it-out!
It can be tough to handle our emotions sometimes, but bottling them up isn't a great idea. They'll find a way out, one way or another. If you're in a situation where you can share your emotions, or if you're on your own at home, feel them. Let them come to you. Create a cosy environment for yourself by making hot tea and putting on a playlist with your favourite songs. There are plenty of films you can cry to. The good news is that this, too, will pass and you'll feel better afterwards.
Loneliness is an existential experience. It is a feeling of withdrawal from the world and from oneself. Loneliness is painful and can trigger other negative feelings such as jealousy or sadness. It is a desire for connection. However strong the feeling, it's important to remember that everyone has felt lonely at some point in their lives and that we've all been there.
But as shown above, there can also be a good side to loneliness, which is the impulse to make friends or to take care of something. There is also the idea that accepting the temporary pain can help you develop a skill that makes you more confident. Many philosophical works say that self-realisation can only happen when there is time and space for solitary self-talk and reflection, for example in the form of meditation or a retreat into nature. Take yourself out of the situation and give your thoughts and feelings time to breathe and evaluate. Find people who understand you and your experiences.
With this awareness, you may even start to feel more connected to other people and want to care for them in new ways. Create an atmosphere you want to live in with simple acts like smiling at strangers, lending a hand to your neighbour or writing a letter to an old friend. These things take courage and a leap out of your comfort zone, which can create a sense of pride and confidence. And being part of something, even if it's small, is such a wonderful feeling. Make sure you do things that bring small joys to you and those around you.
Don't let it get the better of you! Talking about it and making small changes in the moment will help.
What do you do on days when you feel lonely? Email us let us know whether you are happy for us to feature you on Your Story or our Instagram good news page, and inspire others!
You’ve got this!
If this feeling is more severe and you are in need of someone to talk to about it:
Helpline: Call Samaritans on 116123 or email jo@samaritans.org for an email response within 24hrs (UK)
Or contact us for a therapy session.