Toxic Relationships
No relationship is perfect, but some can be incredibly damaging and can even affect people around those involved. A lot of people have been or could currently be in toxic or bullying relationships that are incredibly damaging. It is important to understand this: toxicity is always harmful.
Toxic as a word simply means something that is harmful to something or someone else. Toxins themselves are usually harmful to living things, and this can translate to toxic environments, and toxic relationships. In this write-up, we’d like to talk about Toxic relationships between people.
“With time, toxicity in a relationship can begin to harm you physically, spiritually and mentally.”
There are various kinds of human relationships. These include relationships between couples, parents, work colleagues, clients and more. It’s important that we have healthy, non-toxic relationships with the people around us— especially if we spend a lot of time with them. But why is this vital?
With time, toxicity in a relationship can begin to harm you physically, spiritually and mentally. Toxic relationships have the potential to be stressful to the body and mind. When the toxicity is short-lived, the body’s natural fight or flight mechanism is geared up to deal with it in some way, helping you either defend yourself or flee the interaction. But when this kind of situation is prolonged, the body’s natural resources for dealing with stress are worn down and this begins to affect our minds too. Prolonged stress can cause weight loss and/or gain, diabetes, heart disease, depression, excessive anxiety, cancer, Irritable bowel syndrome and more.
Zachary Rudolph / Unsplash
Sometimes people can try and escape temporarily and mentally from toxic relationships by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, or growing dependant on mind-altering substances like cannabis, cocaine or more, which can exacerbate the situation and tends not provide solutions.
It is important to note the signs and avoid this kind of relationship or, if already involved, find a way of ending it.
Toxic people can come in all forms: Bullies, Narcissists, sociopaths, passive-aggressives, dependent personalities and sadists. These can be found in all walks of life. Often times you have to get away completely from a toxic relationship to be able to thrive in your life, avoid harm to yourself and the worst case scenario.
“When people grow up in unhealthy settings, they can become toxic themselves if they don’t have the right tools to understand and unpack their experiences.”
It is possible for toxic people to change, but only if they recognise that they have toxic characteristics. If they understand that these are destructive to themselves and others, they are willing to seek help and change for the better, then they should do that. But by no means does that indicate that you have to stay in a situation that is dangerous to you, physically or otherwise.
Toxicity can also pass from one generation to another through environments that nurture it. When people grow up in unhealthy settings and that is all they’ve known in their formative years, they can become toxic themselves if they don’t have the right tools to understand and unpack their experiences. We learn to love how we are loved.
CHARACTERISTICS OF TOXIC PEOPLE —
“Stonewalling — … used as a power move, they may perhaps avoid touching, speaking, or addressing you entirely.”
Often charming and pleasant to start with.
Don’t have genuinely warm personalities.
Often have low self esteem and issues or ‘chips on their shoulders’.
Easily irritable and angry.
Stonewalling - by refusing to communicate with you. Sometimes used as a power move, they may perhaps avoid touching, speaking, or addressing you entirely, especially in moments when you particularly need engagement, empathy or connection.
Often joke at your expense and when, it hurts you and you try to explain, you are accused of not having a great sense of humour. (Gaslighting)
Rarely able to tolerate it if you joke at their expense.
They often criticise others. They make snide comments and will often describe themselves as having a dry sense of humour.
They find it difficult to identify areas they need improvement on.
Not caring and genuinely loving.
Quite selfish and self-centred.
They are incapable of seeing things from your own view point and can be quite inflexible.
Often jealous and possessive about others in your life which can be initially misinterpreted as love.
Can seem jealous of you.
They often try to put you down. Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes it is not.
They don’t like it when you get the limelight and may try to steal some of it.
The put-downs are frequent, relentless, unexpected and often public.
They flare up when you try to broach an uncomfortable discussion […] to the point where you dread confronting them.
They flare up when you try to broach an uncomfortable discussion and turn the situation against you to the point where you dread confronting them, and they can continue with the status quo.
They do not want your progress and will not support ideas you have to do well or flourish.
They don’t prioritise you or your needs.
They have a history of toxic nurturing.
They usually pick on very nice people who need to learn boundary setting and assertiveness.
HOW TO LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
“Write down why you feel they are toxic and how [it] makes you feel.”
Look closely at all your relationships and break them into three main groups; those that add value to your life, those that take away value from your life, in other words are toxic, and those which don’t take away or add value to your life.
Recognise the toxic relationships for what they are.
Press the delete button on those that are toxic or don’t add value to your life. The middle group can be kept at arms length and the ‘add value’ group should be in your inner circle of relationships.
Once you’ve identified the toxic relationships, write down why you feel they are toxic and how each one makes you feel. The more you remember, the better it will help your resolve to end the relationship.
Enlist the support of a professional or good supportive friends.
Make sure you are safe.
Start the process of disengagement. The speed of disengagement will depend on how harmful the relationship is and how entangled you and your life may be with that person. Where there’s danger to life, then ending it must always be immediate.
Remember that they may put up a fight to keep you, but toxicity is a habit and certain people with these characteristics like to have power, control, and a target. If it’s not you, it will quickly become someone else.
Report it if the person is in authority over you or others.
Seek healing and therapy — for yourself, and for the health of your future relationships.
Help exists!
Renate Vanaga / Unsplash
At Freo, we know about well-being, and the way Toxic Relationships can affect it. We are ready and available to help you every step of the way if required.
If you know or are worried about the state of your relationship, or just want to help reaching more stable ground, book a session with one of our specialists. We have Couples Therapists, Family Therapists, Mediators, and professionals who can aid you through the process, from start to finish.
Written by Dr. Isioma Nwokolo